Without all our little ties we may fall apart

Monday, January 31, 2011

ABC Diet Day 8

Body Fat
I needed more than just thinspiration today. Doesn't body fat look completely disgusting? Makes me not want to eat anything. Last night was terrible but today was okay. (: I'm sort of avoiding my mom right now because she keeps trying to feed me. I need a sign that says "Do not feed the animals" or "Caution I bite." Maybe that'll get her to stop trying to push food on me.

Today I ate:
1 cup of dry Cheerios
1 Lean Cuisine meal: Basked Chicken and potatos
4 Dill Pickle spears
Total Calories: 370
Calorie Limit: 400

I did:
80 minutes of Wii Tennis'
30 Minutes of Wii Bowling
Calories Burned: 581

Ugh, I need to stop being lazy and exercise more. It sucks that the Wii is in the family room and every body is always using that TV. Bleh, I'll work harder tomorrow.

I currently weigh:
189 lbs.

I didn't lose any. ):  I think it's just water weight from my period. Guess we'll see in a few days.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

ABC Diet Day 7

Everything is fine, I'm fine. I think that's my biggest problem right now. I want to be more than just fine, I want to be happy. Happy with myself and my life. I feel like there's no one I can turn too. I was feeling pretty terrible last night and I just wanted to talk to some one about anything so I went through my phone and I realized there was no one, n o  o n e. I've tried getting support from my family but they aren't trying to help me they're just trying to sweep everything under the carpet as if none of my problems exist. I feel like I don't exist. It sucks going through all this shit alone.

Ah well on to the main point

I ate:
Grilled Chicken
1 cup of dry Cheerios
4 Dill Pickle spears
Total Calories: 220
Calorie Limit: 300

I did:
60 minutes Will Tennis
60 minutes Will BaseBall
60 Minutes: Will Bowling
Calories Burned: 893

I currently weight:
189 lbs.

Woooh, I lost 2 pounds! I think that was the best part of my day.

Sorry to be such a downer tonght I just had to rant. I'm frustrated and I don't know what to do but I'll figure some thing out. Tomorrows another day.

Shopping Sunday 3

There's a lot of Gyaru stuff. I admit I've fallen in love with the style. Lolita is still my love though. <3

ABC Diet Day 7 Will be posted later today. (:

Saturday, January 29, 2011

ABC Diet Day 6

Lolita Thinspiration (Mary Magdalene)
I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date! Well not yet, but I will be if I don't start getting ready soon. Today I'm going to a baby shower for a very close friend of mine and my sister's. She's having a girl <3. Everyone I know that is pregnant is having a girl. I need to cut my bangs they're getting too long. Last time cut them I cut them wayyy too short. Ah well the great thing about hair is it grows back no matter what I do to it. I feel bad my hair has taken a lot of abuse from me lol.

I ate/drank:
1 Cup of Coffee
2 Cups of Sugar Free Cherry Jello
3 Stalks/Rows of Celery
1 Bowl of Salad
2 Tbls of fat free peppercorn ranch dressing
1 Sugar Free Chocolate pudding cup
Total Calories: 182
Calorie Limit: 200

I did:
60 Minutes of Wii Tennis
60 Minutes of Wii Baseball
60 Minutes of Wii Bowling
Calories Burned: 893

I currently weigh:
191 lbs.

I lost another pound and I resisted cake at the baby shower and ice cream afterwards with my parents. I feel in control and empowered, I can do this. Kerry, we can do this. ^^

Happy Saturday. <3

Friday, January 28, 2011

ABC Diet Day 5

Lolita Thinspiration (Mary Magdalene)
Today is not a good day, today is not a good day, today is not a good day.

I don't feel good today, I'm happy but my stomach hurts so badly. I'm pretty sure it's just cramps seeing is this is my usual monthly visit time. Sorry I know TMI. I know doing crunches is supposed to make cramps feel better but I wont. I feel like I'm dying, that's a bit dramatic but still- this shit hurts. My mom told me to eat a banana I looked at her like "FUUUUUU-do you not know what day it is?" Of course she doesn't know. This sucks big floppy whale penis. >>;

I ate/drank:
2 cups of coffee
.5 cup of dry Cheerios
Total Calories: 100
Calorie Limit: 100

I did:
Calories Burned: 0

I currently weigh:
192 lbs.

I wish I'd lose more weight per day but one pound is better than no pounds.
Alright my dears, I'm off to rip some peoples heads off. (: Hope you guys have a nice night. <3

Thursday, January 27, 2011

ABC Diet Day 4

Lolita Thinspo? Lolita Thinspo.
I think it'll be nice to do some lolita thinspiration for a while. Though it'll mostly be brand models because I hate using other people's pictures and I don't want to ask permission so I just won't bother. So I fucked up today, I binged. Though I was able to stop myself before I completely ruined my chances of not failing the ABC diet. I've been up since really early in the morning. Wooooh. I try to not eat junk food because once I pick it up it's so hard for me to put it down. I watched my dad eat baked chips all morning and I wanted them so badly. So I gave in, it started off with, "I'll just have a few. . " to "shit I ate 330 calories worth." Boo. I'm so disapointed in myself.

I ate:
3 servings of Baked Chips (fuck)
2 Cups of Coffee
2 Sugar Free Cherry Jello Cups
Total Calories: 400
Calorie Limit: 400

I did:
120 minutes (2 hours) Will Baseball
30 minutes Wii Bowling
120 minutes (2 hours) Wii Tennis
Calories Burned: 1445

I know, I know, I said I needed to find some thing other than the Wii but I'm just so addicted to it. It's easy and fun. I've been thinking about yoga but I'm not sure.

I currently weight:
193 lbs.

I lost a pound. (:
I just finished working out. Actually I feel kind of dumb. I went and weighed myself and it looked like I gained weight so I went back downstairs upset and my sister asked me what was wrong so I told her. She laughed and said it's from getting muscles and sttuff you should only weight yourself in the morning, makes sense.

Hope you guys are having or had a nice day. <3

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

ABC Diet Day 3

So I sleeped in until 1pm today, it was totally unplanned but extremely nice. I missed breakfest and lunch which was also pretty nice. I got a bit frustrated with a friend today. I feel like it's turning into a compitition between us and she's winning. She doesn't even have an ED she flat out told me she just wants to get skinny. So after her blowing up my phone and not leaving me alone I did something terrible and irresponsible. I sent her a link to the ABC diet and told her I'd be starting it soon. I figured that would get her off my back for a few days because she'd probably fail it quickly. Well I was wrong now she's up my ass more than ever and is losing more than me, great. Stupid stupid stupid. I blame myself I feel like I turned her into a wannarexic the day I came clean about my ED. It's not like I told her to do anything she's doing it all on her own. . .I feel bad.

Today I ate:
2 Stalks/Rows of Celery,
1 Sugar Free Cherry Jello Cup
1 Piece of chicken cooked ontop of the stove no oil or extra things.
Total Calories: 252
Calorie Limit: 300

I did:
60 minutes (1 hour) of Will Baseball
Calories Burned: 307

I currently weigh:
194 lbs.

Thats right, I didn't lose anything and I'm pretty pissed. I need to work out more I just hate doing boring exercises. I love the Wii because I don't get bored too easily with it but obviously I need to find some thing else to do ontop of using the Wii. Maybe I'll get into aerobics.

Eat less
Workout more.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

ABC Diet Day 2

So today was a really good day. I was pretty happy with my progress. (:

I ate:
Sugar Free Cherry Jello,
Grilled Dijon Chicken
Total Calories: 485
Calorie Limit: 500

I Did:
120 minutes (2 hours) of Wii Tennis
Calories Burned: 703

I currently weigh:
194 lbs.

My sister forced me to go out to eat with her. Luckily enough we went to a resturant that had an under 550 calorie portion on the menu. I'm thinking about exercising more later. I feel really good today. Ahh well off to counsiling too be told all the things I already know about myself. Blahh blahh blahh anxiety disorder blahh blahh blahh depression. Today's my first day but I can already tell how this shit's gonna go down. Meh, oh well might as well make the best of it.

I will never ever see that fucking woman again. She was terrible and made me feel terrible I feel like bingeing. I won't though, I won't let that bitch ruin all of my hard work. How dare she sit there and tell me I chose to have fucking anxiety and panic disorder. Oh and apparently I'm suicidal even though I don't have suicidal thoughts nor do I want to die. Oh yes she knows everything, fucking twat. She can blow me. I will not be seeing her again.

Monday, January 24, 2011

ABC Diet Day 1

So today I started the ABC diet along with my friend Kerry. Speaking of Kerry, you guys should check out her blog it's really new but she writes some pretty great stuff. Here's the link. I will say this straight forward and I mean it, I DO NOT want comments about how this diet is unhealthy or I need to eat better. I am aware of all of that already so save your breath. I'm a big girl I do what I want if I wanted a lecture I'd go hang out with my parents.

Today I ate:
2 pieces of plain boneless chicken breast. No oil cooked ontop of the stove,
1 Stalk/Row of Celery.
Total Calories: 468
Calorie Limit: 500

I did:
40 minutes of general dancing
15 minutes of continueous sit-ups.
Calories Burned: 436
Though I'll probably do more and update this later.

I currently weigh, ah well you see I'm really ashamed of this but I'll be honest.
196 lbs.

That's it for the day, nothing good or bad happened I sleeped in late and was pretty bored for the rest of the day.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Shopping Sunday 2

If you guys have any questions about where the clothing I post comes from feel free to ask. (:

Hmm, potential prom dress? Maybe.
I love this blouse. <3
I've always like jeans that look worn out.
Cute Gyaru dress <3

Alright so my friend recently announced she's in the process of planning her birthday party which is going to be rave themed. So I thought I'd throw together a rave-ish outfit.

Let me know if I'm "doin' it wrong."

I want these shoes like now. They're so fluffin awesome.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Just a poem


I love writting poetry. I've been writting it for years. Not much going on today, just waiting for Monday to hurry up and get here. So I'll just share a poem I wrote about my ED after a purged a few nights ago.

What I'm becoming,
is nothing comapared to what I've been,
every time I look in the mirror,
it brings me back there again,
and I just want to be empty,
I can tell everyone's judging me,
it's the way they look when I walk by,
the only place they don't look is in my eyes,
I feel so ashamed,
but I'm the only one to blame,
standing in my own vomit,
things will never be the same.

I was feeling pretty terrible after my sister and parents had picked me apart. When it comes down to it I don't want things to ever be the same. I will never go back to the way I was. Just the thought disgusts me.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Calling in fat

I sat down with my parents and talked to them about all the crap I've been going through. After I poured my heart out all they said was, "Do you feel better now?" not even in a concerned way. I don't know why I expected them to care. My sister made me feel so bad about purging so I bindged as if it was a way of undoing what I had done. She also told my parents so of course when I was eating they made little side comments about throwing up.

I'm starting the abc diet with my friend Kerry on Monday. So expect to see daily posts on that. I've decided I'm not buying any more Lolita until I finish the diet successfully. If I fail then ll just start over. For me, wearing Lolita is a privilege that I need to earn. I don't know why I thought it was okay to buy it without earning it. I have no right to wear it in the current state I'm in-

This has been an awful week.J

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Salad bath water

I know. I know, it just got all myspace up in here and I apologize for that but that quote is really how I'm feeling right now. I feel like everyone in my life has been super judemental lately and I'm sick of it. I was forced to go out went out with my dad and sister for dinner. I didn't really want to order anything but I had too. After I got done ordering a small side salad and grilled chicken my sister made the comment, "Wow guess this means you won't be eating for three days." I just looked down and didn't respond, ugh.

Even worse, I told my best friend about my ED and she said "Cool how do I get Anorexia and lose weight." I raged, I'm ignoring her text right now.

Ahh, lovely my sister found what was left of my dinner in the tub. More drama to deal with. I'm so sick of this shit.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Oh dear

Maki and Asuka designers of Angelic Pretty

Yesterday was not a good day at all. I ate more than I should have and weighed myself 4 times yesterday. I ended up forcing myself to work out for two hours straight on top of the exercise I already did earlier in the day.

I also got into it with a lolita friend of mine. We were talking about brands and we got on the topic of Angelic Pretty and thier sizes. She made the comment,
"It should be called Anorexic Pretty."
 I just kind of laughed it off but she keeped it going. She then said,
"Like seriously it's so pathetic how all the girls starve themsevles to fit into it. It's like oh my good look at me I look so cute in my melty chocolate even though I'm afraid of food. Girls like that are just stupid."

Now I know she wasn't talking about me but I still got offended I kind of snapped.
I told her, "Just because you'll probably never fit into AP doesn't mean you should talk shit about the girls who can. I have more respect for those girls than I do for some one who sits on thier ass and would rather wallow in thier jealousy than do something about it."

 Needless to say she hung up on me and I haven't talked to her since. I don't know if I was right or wrong to say anything but I just had to. Ahh well hopefully today will be a better day.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Got some s'plaining to do

For my non-Lolita followers:
 I'm sure my last post made you say "Wtf is lolita?" and I am here to answer that question. Lolita is a street fashion that started in Japan during the 80s. It focuses on looking modest and innocent. It was and in some sense still is a way of rebeling against the idea that the more skin you show the better you look. Lolita has evolved a lot since the 80s.

There are many different substyles of Lolita such as;
  • Gothic Lolita
  • Classic Lolita
  • Sweet Lolita
  • Punk Lolita
  • Pirate Lolita
  • OTT-Sweet Lolita
  • Goru Lolita
  • Shiro/Kuro Lolita
  • and few more.
For more information on Lolita please go to Hello Lace or The Lolita Handbook.

Now for my Lolita followers:
After reading a comment left on LJ I feel I should put a disclaimer up. Though I am plus sized I stuggle with an eating disorder. I didn't really want to come right out and say it on LJ because I've tried to keep that fact out of the lolita aspect of my life. I know it's hard for people to believe that some one who doesn't weigh 80lbs has an eating disorder but, it is possible. I only eat 600 calories a day, and if I eat more I freak out and make myself purge. Regardless of how much weight I've lost I still look in the mirror and hate every single thing about myself. I should have been straight forward on LJ and said I had an ED and that was my mistake. I apologize for misleading you, this blog is not about weight loss it's about my stuggle with my ED. Though lolita does and still will play a huge part in this blog. I mean it's a huge part of my life. If you chose to continue reading my blog please do not try to emulate me in any way. It isn't healthy or wise.

Thank you so much everyone for reading.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Shopping Sunday

I love fashion, all fashion. I think there's beauty in all the different styles. I mean just because I don't wear a particular style doesn't make it any less cute than the ones I do wear. So I've decided every Sunday I will post the clothes that I want to buy once I'm content with myself. It could be anything from a simple tshirt to a whole Lolita coordination.

So here we go. (:
I love hearts <3
Ohhh Lolita my ultimate love.
Gyaru <3
I honestly have no clue why I adore this dress.

Hah well I'm sure it's obvious to see that I love dresses more than anything. (:

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Happy Dance Time

All kidding aside, I'm really happy today. I went out and bought a new scale because my old one wasn't working right and I wanted a digital one. I hadn't weighed myself in two weeks. I was nervous stepping on the scale I was worried I gained weight. It turns out I lost 6lbs, yay! I feel so much closer to my goal. It actually feels obtainable for the first time ever. I'm so happy.

Though on the down side I've been having problems with my sister. Apparently she's sick of me because all I talk about is weight and food. I want to say she's jealous but I know that makes me sound like a bitch. Oh an my fast ended early, my parents made me go out to eat with them. I only ate a salad but I still felt fat because of the ranch dressing on it.

I'm pretty stoked to be going to the mall on monday instead of sitting home with all the food. Plus I can't wait to see my best friend Angel. Her and I are like a support system for each other. We decided once we reach our goal weight we'd dye our hair the same way and be twinnies. I love that girl. <3

Things keep getting better.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Going Too Fast

Today is a good day, today I feel accomplished. I recently wrote a ten page paper on Feminism and today I had to present it to the class. Usually I hate being the center of attention but I was able to talk for fifteen minutes straight on the topic without being nervous or awkward. I am 100% sure I got a really good grade. I guess really knowing your research and investing time into something instead of just throwing it together really pays off. (:

Also I started a fast yesterday. Usually I only fast for two day but I'm hoping to fast until Sunday night. I know my parents will force me to go out to dinner with them at this local chinese buffet. We always go on Sundays. I got off easy last week when then ordered a pizza instead and I only had to eat one slice. My sister who's only a yesr older has beeing trying to force me to eat. She keeps bringing cookies home from work or buying me things that look like they'd be like 1800 calories. Last night she bought me a blue slushie type drink from Dunkin Donuts and got mad at me when I put it in the fridge instead of drinking it.

I honestly think she doesn't want me to lose any weight. I've always been skinnier than her so it's hard to talk about what I don't like about myself or losing weight infront of her. If I call myself fat she thinks I'm implying that she's huge. Which isn't the case at all.
I feel motivated I know I can do this, I feel like I can do anything right now. (:

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Let Down


Today was full of let downs. My parents get so upset when I don't go to school I feel like I really let them down by not going. My mom doesn't understand any of the things I've been going through. I'm trying to do what's in my best intrest health wise. Unfortunately due to my horrible anxiety and panic attacks going to school isn't in my best intrest right now. I love my parents to death but it's just so weird of them to step in and try to control things seeing as I've been parenting myself for a long time.

I also let myself down. I don't do well with dealing with emotions. I felt like a bad daughter and my brain decided the only way to feel better was to eat a lot. I ate 2 ham sandwhiches, pringles. A bowl of coco pebbles, and 4 mini pancakes. I feel so ashamed and disgusted.

I know it's bad to dwell on mistakes and tomorrows another day but it's hard to be optimistic when I know today should have never happened and I only have myself to blame.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

My little green love

That's right, lately I've been loving pickles. My mother always told me that pickle juice would make me sick if I drank it so I was pretty surprised to find out pickles and thier juice are actually pretty healthy to consume. It is only 5 calories for one pickle spear or 13 little sandwhich pickles. You could eat a whole large container of sandwhich pickles and still have consumed less calories than one slice of pizza.

Pickles make up a huge part of my diet. I sort of freaked out the other day when we ran out. Of course my mom being the some times awesome mother that she is went to the store later that night and picked up more along with a few other items. I feel lucky that I could eat pickles all day every day and never get sick of them.

10 calories of samdwhich pickles (26 slices) definitely fills me up more than 250 calories of pizza (1 slice). I hope reading this gives you some thing to think about next time you're standing infront of your refridgerator.